Scaredie Bunnie Blog

12.15.2025 – Half Way Home Run

Last night was the work place Christmas party. Honestly I did not want to go, was not looking forward to it, was tired, quiet, and probably looked so freaking pissed off at being surrounded by my co workers when I see them all the time at work. The meal was good, dropped my name in a lottery, then when they announced the games, I just left.

I felt like i had wasted an entire afternoon for an hour of socialization. In which I barely spoke to anyone, sat awkwardly at the corner of the table. I just felt so out of place, that i didn’t belong there, that i just wasnt meant to be there.

And I could not think of anything beyond the subject of work to bring up with them to even try to have a conversation with them.

I am not sure if that says more about me than them.

I always hate how I keep thinking of the one thing my previous supervisor told me that would help.

“Develop a personality”

Like – what? I am a 34 year old single person woman thing with two adorable ankle bitting dust mites. I play video games, I read, I attempt to do craft projects. But how can I relate that to any one? Probably very easily actualy. However having being so isolated by choice for literal years, its incredibly hard to let any one near me, my home, my silence.

Because i know for a fact at the end of the day, I will never be what anyone wants or cherishes. No matter what they say, 6 months, 2 years, they will leave me because i am too hard to love. Hell I cant even get the guy to show up for a coffee date. So forming connections, relationships, friendships, it only lasts at work on the clock. Beyond the three solid connections that have lasted literally decades, I don’t find friendships meaningful.

I feel bad, most days. i form basic connections for things that i absolutely need another person. Mostly to baby sit any critter i may have in my possession. And fortunately with kittens, they’re rather independent. But thats how I see connections – for their usefulness. I go to work, no one wants to be around me unless they are being paid to be in the same hell scape premises.

And then today happened. I go to the coffee shop and bump into a blast from the past and some how ended up scheduling a coffee get together with him. My gut was and is turning inside out. I never thought we were on the best of terms, especially with all the history behind it, and just never fell back into a friend ship again. However here I am slightly dreading the coffee meet up but i think thats more so inside my head than anything.

the party would have been fine if i wasnt so tired and it wasnt so late. i probably would have had fun if i wasnt building it up so much and hating going to be around two faced management. I hated the way she stood there all welcoming arms wide and excited to see me. As if last month she wasn’t threatening me with write ups and telling me that maybe i don’t belong at this work establishment – all because i was giving an attitude about all the safety violations happening at the job. It was such an awkward annoying experience.

Atleast the food was good and I did show up for those few that wanted me to be there.
12.07.2025 – Celebration of Lights

We made it

Lasy day of ring worm medicine! After two months of bull shit and hell and hair loss, its over. We are plague free!

So in celebration of said event, I put up my Christmas tree. I don’t think I really did it myself from ages, holidays are hell especially from a retail perspective.

The last time I really did a tree by myself, for myself, was when I had Charlie dog. I got a 3 foot chunk of a living fir tree and dressed it up in white lights and – honestly that is one of my favorite pictures of him.

Last year I spent thanks giving atleast with my folks for a minute and mom went all out with the tree, decorating it and loving the entire experience. And if it hadn’t been for her, I would not have bothered.

This year, I was freaking close to just checking the tree in the supply closet, getting a shrub, and call it a day. But I know my mom wants me to do something nice for the holidays, so since the dust mites are fungus free, I figured why not.

Its going to be a meh holiday season again, but atkeast the tree is nice to look at.
12.05.2025 – Just Get It Over With

I am getting so flipping tired of this rinse repeat.

All I am trying to do is get my work done in a safe manner without 80 pounds of concrete bags falling out from the sky because someone can not secure them safely in the first place. Been there done that, reported the fuck out of it ((only to be threatened to be written up myself because I was being disrespectful to the management)), and then to be threatened to be filmed and blasted across the internet.

All because they couldn’t accept NO, you can not go into the work zone to get a cart, while I am driving lift equipment moving hundreds of thousands of pounds 16 feet or so in the air.

Well besides that rant all I am doing is categorizing my eBooks, physical books, and whatever hell scape that is my storage / guest / abyss of a back room.

While.im dealing with my own personal black hole, I am still kitten training the dust mites. Which is getting better and better by the day. However loosing chunks of my hair during night shenanigans is still an adjustment.

I’m still living to myself about how one day I’ll get better. How I’ll be better about how I spend my money, how I drink, how I take care of things. My health, my emotions, my mentality.

Honestly i just think of if I hadn’t joined a fucking bullshit cult, if I had choose jaw surgery, if I had stayed put in cedar insteqd moving to Nevada, if I just never tried and just stayed put

Then maybe I would have had something….
12.04.2025 – Because Blue Footed Birds

With thanks giving getting canned because of ring work its only appropriate for Christmas to get literally cut up and thrown the way side.

Now I’m am in full support of what is happening and I hope that everyone is safe.

But now I’m thinking maybe to get any sort of attention I should have gotten the bloody jaw surgery instead of just invisline….

I haven’t seen my family in months for one reason or another and it feels like theyre constantly else where – be it grand babies or grand parents. While I’m just

Here.

Now again its sort of my own doing because I fucking hate the world and no longer wish to be apart of it. And the only solice I give myself is the fact that no one wants to be around me unless theyre forced too ((I e working hours when they are paid)). Naturally there are three exceptions from this and I forever will treasure them, need to do better by them, and would sell with my kidneys for them.

But beyond that its always been myself and I.

I look at forming romantic relationships the same way. No matter who I meet, they are in a relationship in one form or another, will never give me a second glance, will never love me, and never will support or be there for me. That way I never get my hopes up about the meer thought of being in love with them and avoiding the inevitable heart break in the end.

I fucked up the one chance at a possible mayberry life years ago. All because of a stupid supposed religious group that took me in under false pretense. Only for them to run over a dog and showed their true colors when they went to a car wash instead. I never felt more disgusted by a fucking religious group of two faced hacks.

Now I’m just – forever fucked up and alone.

And there’s no one to blame but myself.

So basically I get to look forward to my yearly trip in a random national Park, and just, wait for the other 50 some odd weeks for it again. I’m curious if it will be a national park or a cruise though for 2026.

Anyway I’m just counting down the days till the new year just to get this bloody holiday shit over with. Working retail means a full 30 days of Christmas music – same 10 songs playing on repeat will drive anyone insane. Another thing to look forward to when the month is over with.

I’m just tired and bitter about this supposed family holiday season. And who knows maybe I’ll man up, grow a pair, and find a better job which allows me to have national federal holidays off. But I doubt it.

I’m just waiting for the day it get hit by a forklift and then I can go home.
12.03.2025 – Never More Looking Forward

SIgh

I spontaneously signed up for a pottery class last month. The idea of it sounded fun and amusing and was a very nice gift from the parents ((mostly it was to get the parents to stop suggesting that i go to a class to meet people)). Well here we are now and the class is tonight and I really am not looking forward to it.

Mostly because of the how 6 pm to 9 pm block of time and I have work the following morning at 5 am. Also because after 40 hours of dealing with the general public bullshit ((its extra bullshit right now because the goddamn holiday season)), I do not want to be around anyone standing on two legs.

All I am hoping for this is that I can turn on my ear buds and just listen to my music, hopefully not falling asleep into the chunk of clay.

I think once I actually get there, it will not be that bad. Its always a process of getting to the places. Very rarely does the event turn out that badly that I regret it. Normally it turns out fine. I just have to get my happy ass over there in order to be fine.

I think the one event that I willingly signed up for was the blasted christmas work party. Which I may still pull out of because I already despise half the people at that job, why would i celebrate any holiday festivities with them when I see them for 40 hours? Also I dont want to sit there and watch the management cheer for each other when they win all the prizes and raffles while the employees get a thank you bag of tic tacs and used bubble gum. ((classic heres a pizza party instead of a raise event)).

So yeah I may dip out on that non sense.

Well – update

I turn into a fucking gremlin after 7pm and I would rather chew on a bowl of broken glass than to be anywhere but my own bed.

The pottery class was fine, just not all into it because of how late it was an i am not one to be out side the four walls of my bedroom after 6pm.

So after having existential dread filled crisises, I managed to make – some thing. At the end of the day it may very well end up being my rum and coke glass.

Sigh.
12.01.2025 – Let the Count Down Begin

We are officially 30 days from the end of this what the fuck year. Honestly I cant recall many things beyond the yellow stone adventures this past august, or adopting the two little dust mites ((who are loosing privileges day by day)), or going to the sky domes out in the middle of the desert.

The fact that I turned 34 this year also feels like a hallowed out blur.

Today was a much needed day off from work. Last week I worked 40 hours and then I will be getting an additional 8 hour holiday pay. Which now that my jeeps windshield wiper blades broke, it will be a greatly appreciated pay check.

Frankly I don’t mind that this month goes by without a hitch or real solid memories. I will just end up working retail, bringing in the new year at the place of employment and just – rinse and repeat. Thats all this is at this age and point, just – a repeat. Which has a very grey depressing look on the world.

In attempts to change things, I gutted my closet, cleaned my kitchen, and set aside stuff for donation. Hell, I even attempted to pick up my water colors paints just to see if I have the inkling for it. I painted an ill looking cactus, those kind that are green stumps with the round colorful bulbs on the top.

I also have attempted cooking. For any one who lives the single life style, cooking for yourself is a miserable experience. At least, thats how it always has been for me. Regardless I am trying to make my own ramen soups. Nothing fancy or from scratch, just some hodgepodge bullshit that I think is edible. Ramen noodles, eggs, bbq pork belly, so far its been a good combo.

Also I am trying to figure out chop sticks. Yay?
Day – Something or Other

Finally its over.

This damned holiday.

And now I just have to survive Black Friday bullshit.

It was a good one though. It went by quickly and painlessly, awkward dinners with people who have no where to be, and gifting upcycle presents to loved ones.

Its been a very long time having a turkey like dinner, let alone a turkey dinner with others. It was a bizarre feeling but the effort was delightful nonetheless.

I’m just glad I’m one holiday closer to being done with this nonsense of a year.
Day 11 – Eat Your Damned Breakfast
I’m trying to reason out this mornings anxiety attack
- Cat threw up
- I have not eaten breakfast
- I have not had my happy pills
- I cannot locate an art project
- I called out of work
The cat throw up is far more alarming maining because when I had Charlie dog, it always was an alarm for his health. This is my first time owning 4 month old kittens, but to have one of them eat their breakfast, then to have them throw it up within 30 minutes was a bit alarming. Because what if I killed my cat.

And as of typing this out, she is playing well with her brother as if nothing happened.

So I’m trying really hard not to go to death con nine and rush her to the closest open vet and cry about how she threw up.

Realistically, I’m probably feeling this way due to the fact I only had a sip of cold coffee and one thin oreo. Before the cat threw up. And I havent had my daily vitamins.

I have mixed emotions about medication. Nothing wrong with them however I do fear the idea of once you start them you can’t get off them without negative consequences. Hence this morning’s anxiety most lively.

The world did finally come together with a hot meal and a nap with the DustMites, and taking my meds.
Day 10 – Mundane Most Days

I am horrifically reminded on the daily, how dumb my days really are. How much they repeat, nothing exciting to report, let alone acknowledge. I’m not sure why but it sounds a little pathetic that the only thing I am looking forward to is the fact this ring worm circus will be done after the first week of December.

Meals haven’t been going any better. I try to do a weekly meal prep, but now that’s boiled down to white rice and chicken. That could be chalked to several things – money, knowledge, skill, the fact cooking for a single person sucks – you name it.

I knew i wanted to do something different and so far this blog things has been that. Thank you who ever stumbles across this blah thing. Just hard to start a new year new me when the rest of the world is on fire and all I can wish for is an astriod to hit the earth at some point.

But I do have two adorable evil kittens to care for.
Day 9 – Finaly a Good Night’s Sleep

And then the dust mites attacked.

Once again who knew two 4 pound kittens were so viscous and can bully me a semi, fully in denial, adult like bipod, out of my own bed into the storage closet guest room.

Anyway with the holidays rounding the corner at whiplash speeds with a bat studded in rusty nail, I can not express how nervous I am about work.

Now the work place society has gotten toxic no matter where you go, especially in retail. Nothing feels safe and you never know when your last day will be and for the most mind numbing infuriating reason.

I don’t know, with this last six weeks of the year, I feel as if sow.thing sketchy will happen. Here’s to laying low and hoping the new store location eases some of the stressor.

Just have to make it there in one piece. I am very fortunate and blessed to be in my position so I really cant or shouldn’t complain. I’m just scared shitless being at work lately.

Beyond work things I have to look forward to includes the kittens feeling better and finally growing their hair back. Ring worn is a show and a half I don’t recommend. We are currently on week three of this medication. Its some weird 5 week system. Week one ON medication, week two OFF, week three on, week four off, week five on. And at that point I should be in the clear?

Three weeks of active medication, along with topical sprays, weekly baths, oh my god.

All I want to do is live my isolated gamer grandma girl life with the dust mites curled up in my lap, playing the latest gotcha game with a stuff hot toddy- or spicy book ha.