We are officially 30 days from the end of this what the fuck year. Honestly I cant recall many things beyond the yellow stone adventures this past august, or adopting the two little dust mites ((who are loosing privileges day by day)), or going to the sky domes out in the middle of the desert.
The fact that I turned 34 this year also feels like a hallowed out blur.
Today was a much needed day off from work. Last week I worked 40 hours and then I will be getting an additional 8 hour holiday pay. Which now that my jeeps windshield wiper blades broke, it will be a greatly appreciated pay check.
Frankly I don’t mind that this month goes by without a hitch or real solid memories. I will just end up working retail, bringing in the new year at the place of employment and just – rinse and repeat. Thats all this is at this age and point, just – a repeat. Which has a very grey depressing look on the world.
In attempts to change things, I gutted my closet, cleaned my kitchen, and set aside stuff for donation. Hell, I even attempted to pick up my water colors paints just to see if I have the inkling for it. I painted an ill looking cactus, those kind that are green stumps with the round colorful bulbs on the top.
I also have attempted cooking. For any one who lives the single life style, cooking for yourself is a miserable experience. At least, thats how it always has been for me. Regardless I am trying to make my own ramen soups. Nothing fancy or from scratch, just some hodgepodge bullshit that I think is edible. Ramen noodles, eggs, bbq pork belly, so far its been a good combo.
And now I just have to survive Black Friday bullshit.
It was a good one though. It went by quickly and painlessly, awkward dinners with people who have no where to be, and gifting upcycle presents to loved ones.
Its been a very long time having a turkey like dinner, let alone a turkey dinner with others. It was a bizarre feeling but the effort was delightful nonetheless.
I’m just glad I’m one holiday closer to being done with this nonsense of a year.
I’m trying to reason out this mornings anxiety attack
Cat threw up
I have not eaten breakfast
I have not had my happy pills
I cannot locate an art project
I called out of work
The cat throw up is far more alarming maining because when I had Charlie dog, it always was an alarm for his health. This is my first time owning 4 month old kittens, but to have one of them eat their breakfast, then to have them throw it up within 30 minutes was a bit alarming. Because what if I killed my cat.
And as of typing this out, she is playing well with her brother as if nothing happened.
So I’m trying really hard not to go to death con nine and rush her to the closest open vet and cry about how she threw up.
Realistically, I’m probably feeling this way due to the fact I only had a sip of cold coffee and one thin oreo. Before the cat threw up. And I havent had my daily vitamins.
I have mixed emotions about medication. Nothing wrong with them however I do fear the idea of once you start them you can’t get off them without negative consequences. Hence this morning’s anxiety most lively.
The world did finally come together with a hot meal and a nap with the DustMites, and taking my meds.
I am horrifically reminded on the daily, how dumb my days really are. How much they repeat, nothing exciting to report, let alone acknowledge. I’m not sure why but it sounds a little pathetic that the only thing I am looking forward to is the fact this ring worm circus will be done after the first week of December.
Meals haven’t been going any better. I try to do a weekly meal prep, but now that’s boiled down to white rice and chicken. That could be chalked to several things – money, knowledge, skill, the fact cooking for a single person sucks – you name it.
I knew i wanted to do something different and so far this blog things has been that. Thank you who ever stumbles across this blah thing. Just hard to start a new year new me when the rest of the world is on fire and all I can wish for is an astriod to hit the earth at some point.
But I do have two adorable evil kittens to care for.
Once again who knew two 4 pound kittens were so viscous and can bully me a semi, fully in denial, adult like bipod, out of my own bed into the storage closet guest room.
Anyway with the holidays rounding the corner at whiplash speeds with a bat studded in rusty nail, I can not express how nervous I am about work.
Now the work place society has gotten toxic no matter where you go, especially in retail. Nothing feels safe and you never know when your last day will be and for the most mind numbing infuriating reason.
I don’t know, with this last six weeks of the year, I feel as if sow.thing sketchy will happen. Here’s to laying low and hoping the new store location eases some of the stressor.
Just have to make it there in one piece. I am very fortunate and blessed to be in my position so I really cant or shouldn’t complain. I’m just scared shitless being at work lately.
Beyond work things I have to look forward to includes the kittens feeling better and finally growing their hair back. Ring worn is a show and a half I don’t recommend. We are currently on week three of this medication. Its some weird 5 week system. Week one ON medication, week two OFF, week three on, week four off, week five on. And at that point I should be in the clear?
Three weeks of active medication, along with topical sprays, weekly baths, oh my god.
All I want to do is live my isolated gamer grandma girl life with the dust mites curled up in my lap, playing the latest gotcha game with a stuff hot toddy- or spicy book ha.
So i got braces for my 34th birthday, like the adult that I am. Sigh. I got a mix of rubber bands and invisi line retainers. And if all goes according to plan, I will be done in 45 weeks
Well we just barely started week three and I already want to yeet myself off a cliff. Because the section in the back top right molar area, is far too loose and wiggles way too much – its not even clasped to the tooth itself!?
My entire mouth is turning inside out.
This morning was not ideal say the least. I’ve gone to work with worst hangovers and upset tummies before, but I’ve noticed my tolerance for alcohol has changed. Unfortunately this is my biggest vice and addiction. Something i really do need to work on or limit maybe. Some how. Some way.
Reaching out to others has never been my best trait – or lack there of. And the thought of going to a support group – well in a small town like this that may very well be a shot in the foot. You never know who you’ll find. And that scares me out of ever taking such steps.
I’d had to get fired over someone at work finding out about this flaw.
I internalize it very rarely hinting at it being there. But lately, especially with money being as tight as it should be and my spending habits to get that dopamine fix, its just not going well.
I’ve more or less given up on several things for whatever hell scape future I may have to deal with. So drinking has become a thing to pass the time. There are several reasons ranging from boredom to forgetting a shitty work day to just the habit.
I always seem to be just looking forward to drinking to forget the world.
And its been working.
I can barely keep track of days, if I had Starbucks before work, hell even placing my glasses down has become an issue.
I just – don’t know what to do and it sucks.
But I want to change.
But I don’t know how to.
I don’t think I hold myself accountable to these sort of goals or accomplishments because. I never found value in of myself to make anything I do worth while.
However, this dumb spontaneous birthday gift to myself, has been something.
Its been ages since I’ve written a journal like thing.
Ha I knew this day would happen where I would miss a day. All because I did not hit the giant word PUBLISH by the end of the day.
Anyway today was mostly spent doing my graphic design side gig. Which defiantly is a project in of itself. I am just bracing myself for the upcoming work hell marathon. Five days in a row, one day off, three days on, thanksgiving, black friday, and saturday. Weeeeee.
I’m just counting down the days to the new year because of sanity. Rather I should just be focusing on the book reviews I want to start.
Starting new habits and breaking old ones is a challenge in of itself. I found myself setting alarms on my phone for reminders and having a giant calendar above my desk about whatever the hell I am doing that day.
I am just waiting for the day when we are finished with this ring worm quarantine phase. I have forgotten what my living room is like ha. That and playing on my console.
Looking at my desk corner of the bedroom, I wish to change a lot of it. Mostly just putting things on the walls like my many art pieces or trinkets from friends and love ones. I have this scratch off poster from one of my yearly trips to the national parks. Its somewhere in a drawer, but I need to get it framed. I have a whole square yard of felt with pins from hundreds of artists and locations just sort of hanging out in the guest room.
I never felt comfortable hanging up anything because I never felt secure enough in a location. Even though I have lived here for 12 some odd years. Yay commitment issues!? Who knows.
Finally! The weather that autumn should have been! The rainy gloomy weather that is perfect for a coffee, blanket, and good book is here and thats sorta what I am doing?
Instead I gave the DustMites their weekly bath. We are in the phase of everything is in an upswing and looking like its going to be alright. But I know if I fuck up and slack here, then we all will be bald once again.
As the holidays creep up, I have to strategize my meals to avoid any last minute shopping trips. As well as plan what sort of gifts to give my friends and family.
Its always a crazy time of year.
Lets see, what all did I actually do. Mostly just clean and organize my desk since the two mites have been getting bigger and bolder. My drafting table is about four feet tall and I watched with comedic horror as one of the brave mites jumped from ground up – and completely clocked their face full on into the edge of desk. No kittens were harmed ((I think?)). Either way that proved I needed to get the forbidden horizontal surface cleaned and kitten proof.
After having a dog who couldnt jump more than six inches for a decade – the concept of having animals that can go vertical within the blink of an eye, is new. So mostly the day was spent just cleaning and organizing my life a tad. I did make a spot for my twelve books on the desk so thats kinda cool and professional looking.
As for the rest of my apartment, it really needs a good cleaning. I hope once we escape quarantine, I am sure to have a better time with all this.
Yyeeaaahhh daily writing is a weird habit to get back into. So I’m doing some research into annotating books. And at first it looks like a fun way to actively read and color code books! But then I can see how it can spiral out of control.
I’ve always been hesitant about writing in books. I sorta of reserved that for ancient paper backs you find in the dollar bin at the sketchy antique store. I like my books too much to write in them. So note books it is!
Either way the end of the work week brings new chances for two days of peace and quiet and books.
I plan on going to either the Cafe place in town and just sit with a coffee and my book and just read. With the weather getting colder ((finally)), that idea of a cozy solo coffee date sounds so wholesome.
It would atleast give me a break from being the Dustmites chew toy. Especially from the whole ring worm quarantine zone we three are living in.
This night took a bit of a social cutting thanks to a friend’s gift of wine tasting. So I was able to go out and make some mulled wine. It was a much needed change of pace after such a dumb week of retail hell.
The Dust Mite Twins, Aspen ((female with the black nose)) and Sage ((male with the pink nose – and knows he can get away with anything))
The number generator thing was not working so I picked my top interesting ones from each shelf and rolled with it.
I picked the top twelve books that are a mix of new, old, and recommended. Most of which have a cute little back story as to how I ended up with them.
Now I just need to decide on how to organize them; title, author, coolest art cover, etc. Either way I’m getting ready for January’s first book!
Meanwhile, I am dealing with two kittens.
I adopted two kittens in September. It was a planned semi thing which is a whole story in of itself.
I work at the local homedepot for the last 5 someodd years. Behind the garden walls, we have a colony of feral cats. Each year we rescue a hand full of kittens. This year we save about five to eight. The first year way back when there was a little white grey ear kitten i was absolutly smitten with. However this last season, I had reasuced a little black kitten from the pipe cage.
because his breathing was not right, i had surrendered him to the local animal shelter. but i had kept close eye on him and his georgous girl kennel mate.
however throughout the month, the pair of them had not been right, or healthy enough to be released to a home. Honestly, thats totally understandable from the shelter point of view. for the health of the kitten
well after a month and a half of this, i spontaneously called out of work and drove to the Best Friends Animal Sanctuary for the hell of it. And basically, long story short, I ended up taking home two white and grey eared kittens.
now originally their names were Carnival and Jamboree. The whole litter was some sort of festival celebration named. My mom had a whole list over very cute names. Cinnamon and Nutmeg were top contenders. But I landed on Aspen and Sage. Originally I thought they were both females, but through a comedy of errors and mixed messages, I discovered I had a set of brother and sister. At that point I had to figure out which was who.
Finally I had come to the conclusion – pink nose is the male this is named Sage, black nose is the female thus is named Aspen.
And the world was complete.
until Aspens ear started with a bald patch.
And now we are in quarantine and will be in such status until mid December. Ring worm 10 outta 10 do not recommend.
Basically, I knew I would get a cat next. I had a heartbreakingly wonderful Corgi named Charlie for 13 years. and honestly, after his passing last August 2024, I knew I was never going to be the same. He was and forever will be my world. He was my longest lasting relationship, my best friend, someone who looked at me like they truely loved me. And I knew it. I cannot express how much I loved this dog.
This last year without him, I had fallen into a dark place with very little hope for my own self identity. I knew is a corner of my mind I could never get another dog, so I would get a cat. Either a single adult cat or two kittens because they would need someone fo company when I was at work. That was my biggest regret with Charlie dog – leaving him along so much. I wish i could do it over again and feel his warm fur again. Most nights I wake up in the middle of the night hearing his nails on the hard wood floors.
But now, my quiet life shifted. Adopting two siblings from Best Friends was a major step and I do think this is a right step in some direction.
My life shifted.
It used to be – Me, myself, and Charlie Dog
to – Me, myself and . . . I . . .
but now its
Me, Aspen and Sage.
Its been so long since i had another – let alone two – to keep me company let alone be responsible for.
They just turned four months today. Theyre babies and I have never been responsible for such little ((nightmares)) ones before.
But in this moment of writting this semi tear filled drunken entry, having them there on my desk sleeping like the perfect angels that they are ((for now)) does make me feel somewhat whole.
I will never get Charlie dog back, and that still breaks my heart every second i think about it. But I think he would have loved these two Dust Mites just as much as I do. I just hope he knows I could never move on from him.
I love you Charlie
Name: Sarah
D.O.B: 11.11.1991
Zodiac: Scorpio
Just a place to write and maybe have something to look back onto later down the road.
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