As predicted I did not stay up to watch any sort of ball dropping.

This morning came with a weird sense of optimism, it also helped that I slept in cuz work opened up later. I am not thrilled because I have to stay at said work later but alas, here we are.

This morning I made eggs and rice which I probably could have done better with. I’m working on making my own cold brew coffee to avoid Starbucks or anything.

Dinner time is gunna be a nightmare to adjust too. Most nights I had a liquid diet of rum and coke or a dirty soda spiked with vodka. But here I am trying the dry January bit and not having any money on me helps that. However I am a bit nervous about any withdrawal symptoms. I would really call myself an alcoholic, but the addiction is there and its just been a reality. I’ve more or less fallen into it, just so that I can get to sleep and forget the day.

However with age, it has become harder to get up at 3am for my job. And doing what I do with the machines, I shouldnt be so neglectful in my health. If I cannot drive safely I could hurt myself or someone else. I don’t mind so much about myself as much anymore.

But I want to change that mentality.

I want to care about myself. I want to feel good about myself. I want to love myself. All my life i just feel like a floating pair of eyeballs just moving around, day in and day out, work and sleep, without any meaning. I’ve gotten really good about ignoring the presence, and in a blink of an eye, I’m already home.

It sucks especially during vacations. I never feel present, I always feel like “this is gunna end”, “this will be over and you’ll just wake up another day going to work”. I hate feeling like that.

I am not sure if there’s any exact term for that sensation.

So I’m curious with this month of no spending and sobriety – if that will fix anything. Probably not a whole lot, but hey, maybe I’ll actually have a savings at the end of this.

Thank fucking God this year is done. Its both been the fastest ((barely can remember it)), and the slowest most painful, mind numbing one yet ((mostly if you pay attention to any politics or environmental events))

I am looking forward to January though. Which is strange to look forward to a new year. Mostly because of the two very basic challenges I have set for myself. I’m tired of spending money, especially when I have to justify it, and I’m tired of the hangovers at 3am when I need to get to work.

Yes I do have more gifts to send out and people I need to pay back and I will figure something out. I hope. Because they deserve everything and nothing but the best.

The time to reflect has always been a thing throughout December. Its hard to think about the good times when they play brain melting Christmas music on repeat at work for the entire month.

But over all this year – besides the work place hazards and write ups – has been a good one. I do have my photographs from events, reminding me of the places I had gone, people who I’ve spent time with, and new additions to my life.

Yes I wish I had done better, mostly with my money. Its more or less, its my money and I like to buy things to fill that void in my life, and I just don’t see a point in saving for the future when I have very little to live for. Let alone leave behind anything but my hoard of trinkets.

I do have Aspen and Sage and they both will probably live for 20 some odd years, so that adds a bit more time for my life.

As the night closes and i bring in yet another new year by myself, dreading work the next morning, I just want this year to be softer. Softer at work, softer to myself, softer in general.

I’m tired of hating the world and being so bitter about waking up each day. Wondering when I can just go to bed, and never wake up with out the guilt.

In the same vine, I want to finally prove to myself that I can do something. That I can save the money and be sober for a month.

Its just thirty days.

And before I know it, I’ll just be back, sitting on this couch, ringing in 2027…..as if nothing happened…again…

Frankly this year over all has not been a bad one. I went to yellow stone, adopted two kittens, went to the sky domes, visited Arkansas…

I just can’t recall everything.

I just want to get over with these weird holiday hours, and get back into a routine.

I deleted and canceled subscriptions, and braced myself for any debts I’ll have to pay off, and am getting into the montro of saying no to purchases.

Today was a bit of a last hoorah for last purchases. Might have gotten a bit out hand but I now how 4 complete book series to read on top of the 12 books for the year i chose to do as book of the months. Now I just have to be rigourious or dedicated enough to commite an hour or so to reading. 

Definitely gunna make an hourly schedule for such tasks. Regardless January is going to be simple, read, sober, no spend. And then just build from their. If I can make any good habits this first month, then there may be a shot for me yet.

God dammit I figured the day after they would stop with the mind numbing Christmas music at work.

Anyway, once the first rolls around I plan on achieving or moving these entries elsewhere so as to not really clutter up – whatever this is.

I’ve already started on decluttering a lot of my subscriptions, taking a notebook for any purchases and reevaluating my finances. For one month I want to try a No Spend Challenge. This may also work for Dry January so might as well knock it with one stone and get both done.

Its crazy to think that its already that time again for a new year. These days I really don’t hear any more New Year, New Me theatrics. Probably because of how shitty the world has become and how little there is to look forward too any more. The earth is dieing, people are starving, and just nothing is getting done to change it.

It was 60 degrees here and people were wandering around in shorts and flip flops IN DECEMBER!

The so called magic of Christmas has been lost from me for the last 5 plus years. Especially working retail and they do not give a flying fuck if you really really really want to see your family.

Also doesn’t help that I’ve isolated myself from any family member by 10 hours or so, and am to scared and stubborn to leave the apartment because of how dark I view the world.

Moving now with two cats and being forced to live with some random jack ass again does not sound remotely fun and I do not trust anyone beyond five people.

I don’t see much opportunity for myself these days, just getting to the next day, over and over, paying my bills, staying as inconvenient for my family even though I want to see them. The fact I’d get a home cooked meal that is actually good would just be a bonus.

I am so tired of being an independent person. Like I would love to have company, a good cuddle movie night, and just not have to shoulder all the responsibilities of adult hood. However I do not trust anyone to keep their end up the bargin up. I’ve had the live in boyfriends, the roommates, you name it, and beside the one angel, none of them wore worthwhile. Especially when I found out how they mistreated my Charlie dog. I hope they get hit by a fucking bus.

Anyway yeah so I’m just sorta stuck in my own demise. Cant really blame anyone for not trusting the world or being excited about being in it. That’s a me thing and I don’t know if I’ll ever get over it.

I’m just counting down the days waiting for something to be over.

I’m just praying for either an astriod to end this.

Its always a great way to start the work week. Fixing over nights problems and being the only one in your department.

We made it

Lasy day of ring worm medicine! After two months of bull shit and hell and hair loss, its over. We are plague free!

So in celebration of said event, I put up my Christmas tree. I don’t think I really did it myself from ages, holidays are hell especially from a retail perspective.

The last time I really did a tree by myself, for myself, was when I had Charlie dog. I got a 3 foot chunk of a living fir tree and dressed it up in white lights and – honestly that is one of my favorite pictures of him.

Last year I spent thanks giving atleast with my folks for a minute and mom went all out with the tree, decorating it and loving the entire experience. And if it hadn’t been for her, I would not have bothered.

This year, I was freaking close to just checking the tree in the supply closet, getting a shrub, and call it a day. But I know my mom wants me to do something nice for the holidays, so since the dust mites are fungus free, I figured why not.

Its going to be a meh holiday season again, but atkeast the tree is nice to look at.

I am getting so flipping tired of this rinse repeat.

All I am trying to do is get my work done in a safe manner without 80 pounds of concrete bags falling out from the sky because someone can not secure them safely in the first place. Been there done that, reported the fuck out of it ((only to be threatened to be written up myself because I was being disrespectful to the management)), and then to be threatened to be filmed and blasted across the internet.

All because they couldn’t accept NO, you can not go into the work zone to get a cart, while I am driving lift equipment moving hundreds of thousands of pounds 16 feet or so in the air.

Well besides that rant all I am doing is categorizing my eBooks, physical books, and whatever hell scape that is my storage / guest / abyss of a back room.

While.im dealing with my own personal black hole, I am still kitten training the dust mites. Which is getting better and better by the day. However loosing chunks of my hair during night shenanigans is still an adjustment.

I’m still living to myself about how one day I’ll get better. How I’ll be better about how I spend my money, how I drink, how I take care of things. My health, my emotions, my mentality.

Honestly i just think of if I hadn’t joined a fucking bullshit cult, if I had choose jaw surgery, if I had stayed put in cedar insteqd moving to Nevada, if I just never tried and just stayed put

Then maybe I would have had something….

With thanks giving getting canned because of ring work its only appropriate for Christmas to get literally cut up and thrown the way side.

Now I’m am in full support of what is happening and I hope that everyone is safe.

But now I’m thinking maybe to get any sort of attention I should have gotten the bloody jaw surgery instead of just invisline….

I haven’t seen my family in months for one reason or another and it feels like theyre constantly else where – be it grand babies or grand parents. While I’m just

Here.

Now again its sort of my own doing because I fucking hate the world and no longer wish to be apart of it. And the only solice I give myself is the fact that no one wants to be around me unless theyre forced too ((I e working hours when they are paid)). Naturally there are three exceptions from this and I forever will treasure them, need to do better by them, and would sell with my kidneys for them.

But beyond that its always been myself and I.

I look at forming romantic relationships the same way. No matter who I meet, they are in a relationship in one form or another, will never give me a second glance, will never love me, and never will support or be there for me. That way I never get my hopes up about the meer thought of being in love with them and avoiding the inevitable heart break in the end.

I fucked up the one chance at a possible mayberry life years ago. All because of a stupid supposed religious group that took me in under false pretense. Only for them to run over a dog and showed their true colors when they went to a car wash instead. I never felt more disgusted by a fucking religious group of two faced hacks.

Now I’m just – forever fucked up and alone.

And there’s no one to blame but myself.

So basically I get to look forward to my yearly trip in a random national Park, and just, wait for the other 50 some odd weeks for it again. I’m curious if it will be a national park or a cruise though for 2026.

Anyway I’m just counting down the days till the new year just to get this bloody holiday shit over with. Working retail means a full 30 days of Christmas music – same 10 songs playing on repeat will drive anyone insane. Another thing to look forward to when the month is over with.

I’m just tired and bitter about this supposed family holiday season. And who knows maybe I’ll man up, grow a pair, and find a better job which allows me to have national federal holidays off. But I doubt it.

I’m just waiting for the day it get hit by a forklift and then I can go home.

SIgh

I spontaneously signed up for a pottery class last month. The idea of it sounded fun and amusing and was a very nice gift from the parents ((mostly it was to get the parents to stop suggesting that i go to a class to meet people)). Well here we are now and the class is tonight and I really am not looking forward to it.

Mostly because of the how 6 pm to 9 pm block of time and I have work the following morning at 5 am. Also because after 40 hours of dealing with the general public bullshit ((its extra bullshit right now because the goddamn holiday season)), I do not want to be around anyone standing on two legs.

All I am hoping for this is that I can turn on my ear buds and just listen to my music, hopefully not falling asleep into the chunk of clay.

I think once I actually get there, it will not be that bad. Its always a process of getting to the places. Very rarely does the event turn out that badly that I regret it. Normally it turns out fine. I just have to get my happy ass over there in order to be fine.

I think the one event that I willingly signed up for was the blasted christmas work party. Which I may still pull out of because I already despise half the people at that job, why would i celebrate any holiday festivities with them when I see them for 40 hours? Also I dont want to sit there and watch the management cheer for each other when they win all the prizes and raffles while the employees get a thank you bag of tic tacs and used bubble gum. ((classic heres a pizza party instead of a raise event)).

So yeah I may dip out on that non sense.

Well – update

I turn into a fucking gremlin after 7pm and I would rather chew on a bowl of broken glass than to be anywhere but my own bed.

The pottery class was fine, just not all into it because of how late it was an i am not one to be out side the four walls of my bedroom after 6pm.

So after having existential dread filled crisises, I managed to make – some thing. At the end of the day it may very well end up being my rum and coke glass.

Sigh.