Well, this isn’t working like I had planned. Life does funny things most days and I don’t know what to do with it all.

the choice to go part time in such a world where full time doesn’t even cut it any more is rather jarring and bold. I am just tired of the work place drama and how true the whole “High never Ends” stereotype is.

I have barely done anything beyond work and sleep. I am hoping if I do this get this position, that it will lighten whatever load I have had hanging around my neck and do stuff – like go back to school, go to a gym, work on this blog.

I really need to just set a side an hour a day to do these blogs.

Anyway, a lot has happened since I originally started this certain post. Learning what my supervisors view me as has made it clear that I should stay in my lane and just shut up. Going part time would have been a risk, and clearly in that interview, they made it prevalent that I may not be worth that certain risk. I feel like I would be loosing a lot more than them by going through this pilot program.

So I shall remain in my department until – probably when the crust of the earth cools after the probable nuke drops at this rate.

Beyond that I was thinking about doing doodle comics for some posts, mostly to get back into art work and just away from the cellphone abyss that is instagram. Not sure of what, maybe just slice of life interactions, or maybe do a story telling sort of thing?

I dont know, but clearly I need to just focus and finish something, anything at this point. Hell I also just need to start something, anything. I know theres a symptom of becoming so overwhelmed with the chore list or list of possibilities to do things, that one does freeze and unfortunately doesn’t get anything done. Then you return to reality at 6 pm having done nothing. And then you feel like shit for doing nothing. Whatever this freeze I have been going through is just – so tiresome and I just feel like such a waste.

I also just look at myself and see nothing. Everyone tells me I have such potential, so many good things going for me. Which thank you I cant express how much that makes me feel important. So why, when I try to convince myself that I have what it takes to get the hell out of retail and find a different job, that I can’t see what others see? Maybe its something like, if I am so good at my job, why cant I get into a leadership role? Why do these managers tell me that I am such a valuable employee that gets shit done, only to turn around and tell me I am a flake and a bitch and disrespectful?

However I am only doing this to myself. Staying in a work force that has told me to my face that I am a “bitch”, a “basketcase”, that “the work isn’t the place for you”, that “you’ll just get discouraged 6 months into this spot and want out so why should we take you?”. I am only doing this to myself by staying here.

And yet, I dont see myself – anywhere else. Only hitting my head against a brick wall wanting it move and to change. Knowing for a fact there is an open window just to the left of me. And all I have to do is just – move.