Last night was the work place Christmas party. Honestly I did not want to go, was not looking forward to it, was tired, quiet, and probably looked so freaking pissed off at being surrounded by my co workers when I see them all the time at work. The meal was good, dropped my name in a lottery, then when they announced the games, I just left.

I felt like i had wasted an entire afternoon for an hour of socialization. In which I barely spoke to anyone, sat awkwardly at the corner of the table. I just felt so out of place, that i didn’t belong there, that i just wasnt meant to be there.

And I could not think of anything beyond the subject of work to bring up with them to even try to have a conversation with them.

I am not sure if that says more about me than them.

I always hate how I keep thinking of the one thing my previous supervisor told me that would help.

“Develop a personality”

Like – what? I am a 34 year old single person woman thing with two adorable ankle bitting dust mites. I play video games, I read, I attempt to do craft projects. But how can I relate that to any one? Probably very easily actualy. However having being so isolated by choice for literal years, its incredibly hard to let any one near me, my home, my silence.

Because i know for a fact at the end of the day, I will never be what anyone wants or cherishes. No matter what they say, 6 months, 2 years, they will leave me because i am too hard to love. Hell I cant even get the guy to show up for a coffee date. So forming connections, relationships, friendships, it only lasts at work on the clock. Beyond the three solid connections that have lasted literally decades, I don’t find friendships meaningful.

I feel bad, most days. i form basic connections for things that i absolutely need another person. Mostly to baby sit any critter i may have in my possession. And fortunately with kittens, they’re rather independent. But thats how I see connections – for their usefulness. I go to work, no one wants to be around me unless they are being paid to be in the same hell scape premises.

And then today happened. I go to the coffee shop and bump into a blast from the past and some how ended up scheduling a coffee get together with him. My gut was and is turning inside out. I never thought we were on the best of terms, especially with all the history behind it, and just never fell back into a friend ship again. However here I am slightly dreading the coffee meet up but i think thats more so inside my head than anything.

the party would have been fine if i wasnt so tired and it wasnt so late. i probably would have had fun if i wasnt building it up so much and hating going to be around two faced management. I hated the way she stood there all welcoming arms wide and excited to see me. As if last month she wasn’t threatening me with write ups and telling me that maybe i don’t belong at this work establishment – all because i was giving an attitude about all the safety violations happening at the job. It was such an awkward annoying experience.

Atleast the food was good and I did show up for those few that wanted me to be there.